Dropping In 2
by CodenameOne
Summary: After Sweetie Belle goes on an epic adventure with assorted lunatics from all corners of the galaxy, Scootaloo decides to do the same! Only this time with an actual plot and story! Join Scootaloo, Cole, and weirdos from all walks of life on an adventure to stop EA from sucking!
1. Chapter 1

**Foreword: You may be sitting there thinking "wait... Deja Vu, and then the Matrix explodes, but yes; I am bringing this story back after removing it. Not by popular demand, but so I can finish it. And because it's fucking hilarious. Enjoy.**

* * *

_**Dropping In 2**_  
_**Written by Codename: One  
**_

* * *

**Section One**  
**Resident Evil, Sonic the Hedgehog, and the return of Cole  
**

* * *

"Sweetie Belle just got back five minutes ago and now you want to go out there?" Applebloom asked as she and Scootaloo stood outside the CMC clubhouse.

"Yeah, why not? Sweetie Belle came back OK" Scootaloo answered.

"Yeah, but she was talking weird and mentioned something called an M16...ah don't know what that is but it doesn't sound too good" Applebloom said.

"Come on, Applebloom! Please? I'll be OK, I promise" the orange Pegasus pleaded.

"Well...OK, get in the pod and I'll shoot ya out" AB replied, taking position behind the cannon and sealing up the pod Scootaloo was in, loading it in the barrel and firing it into the sky.

_I sure hope she'll be OK_ Applebloom thought, watching the pod streak out of sight.

* * *

Scootaloo's pod smashed to a stop and she stumbled out of it into some kind of weird room with metal beams stretching from floor to ceiling and a bunch of seats lining the walls.

"Complete. Global. MASTURBATION!" a deep-voice exclaimed, prompting Scootaloo to look over and see a deranged man with blonde hair and a trench coat sprint towards some dude with massive muscles and a chick that looked completely useless.

"What the heck?!" the Pegasus filly exclaimed as the blonde man ran around the other two alien-looking people and totally wrecked their stuff.

_Wait, aliens! Do I have an alien-hunter cutie mark yet?_

She did not.

While Scoots was busy looking at her blank flank the blonde man sprinted over and smacked her shit before racing around the room again wrecking the other guys.

Before Scootaloo could be scared out of her wits and attempt to fly and fail miserably because she was such a fucking worthless excuse for a Pegasus and then whine to the author about her lack of characterization there was an intense rumbling and the three humans went crashing out a door at the back of the room, with the blonde-haired one disappearing out of sight.

Scootaloo stumbled out of the room and discovered that the room was part of some kind of large vehicle.

The little Pegasus looked over at the other two aliens and saw that the female one suddenly had a bunch of little boxes of ammo all over her body, standing up and shouting "I need ammo!"

The male alien with the massive arms looked at her with a look of "are you fucking serious?"

"So, um, who are you guys?" Scootaloo asked, approaching the two of them.

"I'm Chris Redfield, look at my fucking arms!" the male yelled, showing off the massive limbs. "My balls may be as big as raisins but I don't give a shit 'cause I have HUGE FUCKING ARMS!"

"What about her?" Scoots replied.

"She's fucking worthless" Chris answered. "Come on, Sheva!"

"Forget it!"

"You fucking worthless whore!" Chris exclaimed, approaching a couple of boxes and smashing them open with a giant knife and saying to the woman "you grab it!"

"You can't be serious!" the girl responded.

Chris backhanded her.

Before more could be said amongst the group there was heavy plodding on metal and the trio looked up, seeing the blonde-haired man walking on some cylinders sans shirt.

"It's over, Wesker!" Chris exclaimed.

"Over? I'm just getting started!" the blonde-haired man responded, slamming his hand into one of the cylinders and reeling as hundreds of tentacle-like penises came snaking out and consumed his body, turning him into some kind of fucking retarded penis-tyrant because the writers at Capcom thought that would be a great idea along with ruining his backstory and giving him a new one they ripped off of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy.

"Ewwwwwww, gross!" Scootaloo declared as the penises snaked around Wesker's body.

"Do you really believe global virginity is worth saving?!" Wesker inquired as the two humans and Scootaloo retreated.

As they proceeded across a rock bridge it collapsed, dumping Chris onto a rock below that was in some kind of lava pool.

"Chris! Are you OK?" the female asked, staring down and looking like she was trying to fall into the lava.

Chris waved his arm as Wesker dropped down and followed him.

"Everywhere, nothing but loathsome virgins!" Wesker commented, leaping across the gaps in the rocks as he chased Chris.

"So, what's your real name?" Scootaloo asked the female accompanying her.

"Sheva Alomar."

"Well it looks like we need to help Chris" Scoots said, following Sheva as she ran down the cliff and starting firing some loud thing at Wesker, who was still spouting stuff about virgins and "complete global masturbation."

While Sheva continued to be fucking useless Chris began punching Wesker, dealing massive damage because his arms were so fucking muscular and huge.

In an attempt to get back to where Chris was Sheva and Scootaloo proceeded across another rock bridge which collapsed like the last one leaving Sheva hanging on the edge of a cliff and deciding to wait nine days to pull herself up because she was so fucking worthless.

"I'll help you up!" Scootaloo exclaimed, trying to pull Sheva up and failing because she was overweight with 1000000 boxes of ammo because she always hoarded the fucking ammo like a little bitch. And gold, too, she always hoards the fucking gold and treasures.

What a bitch.

Finally Sheva pulled herself up and the two females walked down the rest of the rock path to a gap they couldn't cross.

"Hold on!" Chris yelled, running to a giant boulder and beginning to punch and push it because he was such a fucking hard-ass bastard that did so many steroids he could actually push a fucking one ton rock.

Succeeding in his badassery once again the boulder rolled into the gap and formed a bridge which the two girls crossed as Wesker came around the corner of a rock hill with the penises flailing around in a frenzy.

"I SMELL A VIRGIN!" Wesker screamed as he quickly approached the trio.

"Who the hell is a virgin here? It's not me, I know that; I've fucked every girl I've ever met except Sheva because she's a hideous cow" Chris declared.

"It's not me, I fucked the entire village I was born in" Sheva stated, her and Chris looking down at Scootaloo.

"Uhh, hi?" Scoots said, unsure of why they were staring at her.

"Well, I guess we know who the virgin is. Time to feed her to Wesker to appease his appetite for tight, virgin pedo-pussy" Chris announced, snatching up the little Pegasus filly.

"Hey, what? What are you doing? Put me down! What's a virgin, anyway?" Scootaloo asked, very confused by the whole situation.

Suddenly Sheva, in all her infinite wisdom, began sprinting towards Wesker and was grabbed by the penises flailing about, raping in her in all three of her holes and even in a few new places like her ears and nostrils.

After ten seconds the penises jizzed everywhere inside Sheva and she exploded from the inside out, her entire body vaporized. Despite being dead she was able to say "worst sex ever" which made Wesker put Sheva back together and rape her again.

"Shit, well looks like you're my new partner, little pony girl whose name I don't remember" Chris said, turning to face Scootaloo and handing her a massive device.

"What is this?" Scoots inquired, trying desperately to hold up the heavy device.

"It's an Infinite Rocket Launcher I got from beating this game once before and just having it by default afterwards unlike Resident Evil 4 where you had to unlock the weapon and then play the game again to get the money for it despite it being just a novelty item and the Chicago Typewriter being better. You just hold it up and spam the trigger and send rockets into Wesker's face to keep him back before you reach the damage threshold and the ending cutscene starts" Chris explained.

"What?!" Scootaloo yelled, completely at a loss to what the massive-armed man had said.

"Shoot him or he'll rape us!" Chris screamed as Wesker reached them, smacking Scootaloo's shit once again and sending her flying into the sky as the blonde-haired penis tyrant raped Chris for all eternity.

* * *

"Were you using-Ohh, you little EURROOOOH YOU FUCKING TUCKER BITCH CUNT MOTHERFUCKER! Blind Eye-Assassin Akimbo FMG9's! Robert Bowling you fucking speech-impediment-having bald cunt bucket!"

Before more curse words could be said a hole was smashed through the wall and some kind of projectile lanced through a computer, causing the speaker to curse more.

"I JUST BOUGHT THAT FUCKING COMPUTER!" the man screamed. "Whatever, my last computer regenerated after it got smashed by Sweetie Belle's pod, so this one will do the same."

It didn't.

"FUCKING WHORES!" the man shouted.

Scootaloo slowly got to her hooves and looked up at another one of the aliens as he sat in a massive leather chair, holding some kind of black device in his hands and wearing a black shirt that had the word 'Brony' written on it and Rainbow Dash flying underneath.

"Oh my gosh, you know Rainbow Dash?!" Scootaloo exclaimed, zipping right up to the chair and looking up at the human with wide eyes and a big creepy smile.

"Scootaloo? Ah, shit, I just sent Sweetie Belle home twenty minutes ago and now you're here? Fuck me" the human declared.

"Who are you? How do you know Sweetie Belle?" Scoots demanded, wary of this human.

"I'm Cole, uber-leet MLG boss who's a fucking beast at Call of Duty using shitty weapons like the M16 and fucking awesome Brony author that deserves more people reading his stories because he actually puts real fucking effort into them unlike 3/4 of the fucking stories that get featured on but they get featured anyway because they're either comedy stories or shipping stories or, if you're really an unlucky son of bitch, fucking shit crossovers or normal stories that involve some kind of invincible superhero in some contrived and cliche war where ABSOLUTELY NONE of the fucking good guys die and the fucking hero falls in love with Rainbow Dash and they both live happily-ever-after in a shitty namby-pamby sunshine-and-rainbows ride-off-into-the-sunset ending. But, apparently people like reading those kind of stories instead of reading a story that has a relatively realistic portrayal of war and goes into detail about the psychological suffering that occurs during it and has many of the good guys die because I ACTUALLY PUT REAL FUCKING EFFORT INTO MY STORIES UNLIKE ASSHOLES WHO JUST THROW IN A FUCKING SUPERHERO WHO BLOWS UP TEN MILLION BAD GUYS AND THEN BONES RAINBOW DASH FOR NINE MOTHERFUCKING HOURS!" the human ranted.

"Well, that all sounds very...interesting" Scootaloo stated, confused.

"I know, right? So anyway, what are you doing here? Do you need help getting home like Sweetie Belle did?" the human, Cole, inquired.

"Maybe, but I want to stick around for a little bit. So how do you know Sweetie Belle?" Scootaloo asked.

"It's a long goddamn story, but I'm sure you want to know how Sweetie Belle got home?" Cole guessed, picking up his favorite little man-toy(not that kind of man-toy you fucks) and fawning over it.

"Me and Applebloom saw some kind of grassy courtyard through a weird portal" Scootaloo said.

"Well, it goes a little something like this..." Cole trailed off, preparing to recount the tale to the little Pegasus filly.

* * *

"I love you, Cole, you're a great friend" Sweetie Belle said, her voice breaking as the tears welled out of her eyes.

"I love you too, Sweetie Belle" Cole replied, cocking his arm back and throwing Sweetie Belle into the air and through the portal which closed just as the MW2 tactical nuke landed and obliterated everybody's shit, including Captain Price whose quickscoping skills just couldn't save him from the tac-nuke.

After the nuke had landed Captain Price got vaporized and Cole had somehow miraculously survived and was thrown into a void where Mitchell, who was mentioned in the first story handed him what would become Cole's favorite man-toy(again, not that kind of man-toy, though it is the same one mentioned a few paragraphs ago.)

After that Cole was sent on a similar journey to Sweetie Belle's except through TV shows like Big Bang Theory and Jersey Shore, the latter making him want to kill himself after five minutes of being in it. Though he had enjoyed being sent into the Supernatural universe and hanging out with Sam and Dean Winchester...and Cass, too.

But overall he didn't like the journey he went through.

After that the CoD beast had been sent home where he then smoked a bowl and wrecked a bunch of dudes in MW3 with an M16A4, including XXXL33t420quickscopezzzXXX.

And that's how he saved Christmas from Robo-Santa and his illegal immigrant elves.

* * *

"That story made no sense" Scootaloo declared accusingly.

"NOTHING MAKES SENSE!" Cole exclaimed, smoking another bowl and messing with his man-toy.

"So what is that thing you keep messing with anyway?" Scoots inquired, staring at the thing.

"It's the man-toy; Colt M1911A1 with nickel finish, black grips, and full-length recoil rod under the barrel. It only works in other universes though, apparently, because I stole it while in the Supernatural universe and it worked in every universe I went to after that except this one. Kinda like how my M16 only works when I'm in the CoD universe" Cole explained.

"Sweetie Belle mentioned an 'M16' when she got back; what is it?" Scoots said.

"It's a fucking shit gun in MW3, a beast gun in MW2, and a relatively good gun in Black Ops, otherwise known as Black Cocks" the human answered.

"Cocks? Like chickens?"

"No...not like chickens, Scootaloo."

...

"HADOUKEN!" Cole screamed, throwing in a scene transition that brought them to the next universe.

* * *

"So where the heck are we now?" Scoots inquired, looking around the white expanse they currently resided in.

"This is the Hub, a multi-universe portal which I totally didn't rip off of my beta-reader, Michael Blackburn; this will allow us to visit any universe we desire. Though someone, in all their fucking wisdom, decided not to label the doors so we won't know what universe we'll be travelling to until we actually get there. So hopefully we won't accidentally pick a fucking stupid one like Sonic the Hedgehog or Captain Planet" Cole explained(GOD DAMN that fucking show sucked!)

"So where should we go?" Scoots said, looking up at the human.

"That decision is reserved for you, Reclai-er, Scootaloo" the uber-leet MLG boss answered.

The Pegasus filly picked a random door and they jumped in.

* * *

"Goddamnit, Scootaloo! I told you not to pick Sonic the Hedgehog!" Cole yelled, seeing that they had landed right in the middle of Soleanna City.

"I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know?" Scoots protested, unsure as to why the human was so mad.

"And we're in Soleanna, that means the game we got transported to was Sonic the Hedgehog 06, which is the WORST FUCKING GAME ever!" Cole exclaimed, looking around the area to make sure Princess Elise wasn't going to pop out of nowhere and do stupid shit like get captured by Eggman 9000 times and fall in love with Sonic because Sega ripped the storyline for this game off of some shithead's bad fan-fiction.

"Ughh, let's just get this over with" Cole declared, making sure his cross-universe M1911A1 was secured properly in his drop-leg holster as he and Scootaloo toured the area.

Just as Cole began to think they wouldn't have to deal with any stupid shit Sonic the Hedgehog himself came dashing up and immediately starting bragging and boasting while playing techno music and breakdancing on a large sheet of cardboard.

"You fucking scumbag" Cole commented, resisting the urge to shoot him.

"So who is this? She's kinda cute" Sonic said, looking at Scootaloo after he had stopped breakdancing and set the cardboard on fire by running in place on it.

The Pegasus filly blushed and sheepishly replied "I'm Scootaloo."

"Scootaloo, huh? That's cool. Hey, what's say you and me get into a bunch of dangerous situations where you could possibly die or get captured by giant robots and made into a sex slave for a 500 pound evil genius?" Sonic stated, jogging in place as he struggled to vent his hyperactivity.

"Sure!" Scoots responded with vigor.

"Hey, what the hell? Wait a minute, she's not going anywhere without me. It's bad enough she's in this hellhole anyway" the ub3r-l33t boss Cole told them.

Before more could be said the rest of Sonic's gang showed up, with Tails yelling about how he wanted Sonic to fuck him in the butt and chatting on about his dependency on the blue Hedgehog while Knuckles stood around looking all moody and Shadow blabbered on about his angst and how he was the ultimate lifeform.

Great, now all we need is for fucking Amy Rose to show up and we'll have a Goddamned party the only human in the group thought.

_"HIIIIIIII SONIC!"_ a shrill voice pierced the air, nearly shattering Cole's eardrums from the sheer intensity of it.

_It's like a fucking a dog-whistle for humans_ the human lamented mentally as a familiar pink Hedgehog fucking popped up out of nowhere.

Sonic sighed and rubbed his temples as Amy hugged him and ranted on about wanting to blow him and have his babies and how he's so cute and shit.

"Wow, she's like Pinkie Pie" Scootaloo stated, earning the attention of Amy.

"OH MY GOSH, SHE'S SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!1!#!" Amy screamed right up in Scootaloo's face, blowing her hair back where it stayed slicked back cartoonishly.

"OK, that's it. We're out of here, Scootaloo. This place is fucking annoying all ready" Cole exclaimed, snatching her up and transitioning to the next chapter.

* * *

legal shit: I don't own shit except myself. All the other shit belongs to their respective masters.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Section Two**_  
_**RUN and the return of Call of Duty  
**_

* * *

"So where did we go this time?" Scootaloo asked, looking up at Cole and seeing him rooted in place, his eyes wide open and mumbling to himself.

"Uhhh, are you OK?" Scootaloo said, looking around the area and seeing that they were in space on a bunch of red platforms interspersed by lots of holes and open spaces.

"Run..." Cole whispered, earning a curious gaze from the Pegasus filly.

"What?" she inquired, greatly confused.

"Run" the human exclaimed once again as he slowly looked down at Scoots.

Suddenly bitching techno music began to play and a gray alien that was shaped like a testicle with arms and legs and antennae ran by, jumping from platform to platform for seemingly no reason.

"This...is Run, the WORST fucking game ever made, a fact I stated many a time in my Let's Play of the game which can be viewed on my Youtube channel here" Cole said, pointing at something behind him that didn't exist.

"What do you do in it?" the Pegasus filly inquired.

"You attempt to run down a tunnel to the exit, and fail, and you attempt to jump across gaps...and fail because you fall through the motherfucking platform because the designer of this game was a goddamned retard."

"You probably couldn't do a better job" Scoots replied.

"That's right, I couldn't, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to criticize. And if anyone says different they will be blocked and have insulting messages about their mothers sent to them" the human said.

"Also there's a sequel to this game, which doesn't suck as much but it's still a piece of shit and should not have been made" Cole told her.

"So is there anything we need to do here or..." Scootaloo trailed off, looking up at the ub3r-l33t MLG fucking boss who was so fucking good at video games and deserves to be famous on Youtube unlike all those other fucking n00bs that can barely fucking play a game yet they get over a million views per video and rake in all the cash from that shit.

Fucking assholes.

"No, there's nothing we need to do here, except this" Cole declared, kicking the testicle alien off into space as he ran by and yelling "YOUR GAME'S A PIECE OF SHIT, YOU LITTLE FUCK!"

The testicle alien then careened into a star and fucking died a horrible death because that's what he deserved for falling through solid platforms all those times.

"Let's fucking go" the man exclaimed.

* * *

Immediately upon entering the next universe the two came under intense gunfire from unknown shooters; thousands of bullets sprayed around them with each and every one missing accompanied by a clatter Cole knew all too well.

"ZOMG I r sooooo gud at dis gaem!" some annoying 8-year-old squeaker yelled, reloading his akimbo FMG9s as he ran around the map Overwatch, part of Collection 1 DLC for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.

"Well at least it isn't CoD 75: Modernly Black Operations of Welfare in Warfare*" Cole said, having seen the atrocity that would be the future of the Call of Duty franchise.

Well, to be fair, it was a little better than CoD 74: Copy and Paste Ops II.

Cole and Scootaloo stood up as a bunch of teenage dudes yelled at the squeaker who was raping them all with his FMG9s. Quickscopes, Type 95's, and even PP90's couldn't stop this kid and his FMG9s.

"What the heck is this?" Scootaloo inquired, completely at a loss as to what was going on.

"This...is MW3, otherwise known as SHIT. This is definitely the worst of the recent Call of Duty games, though Black Cocks II is pretty shitty. And Ghosts apparently sucks ass through a straw."

"Soooo...what?" Scoots asked, confused as to what all that meant. She had only been in four universes and was already feeling like she wanted to go home; these places were full of weirdos.

"Well for what ever reason we can't move onto the next universe just yet so let's just fuck about here for a little while. Maybe we need to defeat this FMG9 bitch or screw about in the campaign. As long as we don't have to go into Spec Ops we'll be OK because Spec Ops is fucking stupid and nobody plays it so I don't know why Infinity Ward kept it in this game instead of taking it out to make room for gun DLC and other shit like that" the ub3r-l33t b0ss Cole answered.

Standing up Cole found he had a UMP45 and an RPG-7 as his weapons, which were both usually his go to weapons because the UMP was a fucking boss and he had a soft spot for the RPG. Trying to pull back on the UMP's charging handle the b0$$ found himself unable to do so, realizing that players in CoD don't cock their weapons unless they pick them up off the ground.

Throwing the smg on the floor and picking it up Cole was able to rack the charging handle and was about to move out when the akimbo-FMG9 kid jumped out a window, doing a 1080 spin and spraying bullets everywhere with his FMG9s, wrecking Cole's shit and punting Scootaloo off the map where she died and respawned next to Cole.

"What the heck was that?!" Scoots asked, referring to the FMG9s/punting/dying in midair and respawning.

"I'll explain it all later; right now we gotta kill this FMG9 kid" the human replied, running forward

Sprinting down the glass hallway in the middle of the map Cole met the FMG9 kid, opening fire on him with his UMP and failing because the UMP was firing 3 rounds per minute because some dumbass didn't put Rapid Fire on it.

"FUCK!"

Respawning Cole whipped the UMP off the map and it came back around like a boomerang and hit him in the face, knocking him on his back where the FMG9 kid came down and owned his shit before teabagging him.

Spawning once again the uB3r-l33T b0$$ switched to the RPG and soon found the FMG9 kid, firing both RPG rockets at him and watching as they flew straight and true right before they hit him where they then veered off course and exploded in mid-air.

At first Col3 was going to call hax but then he remembered that the RPG-7 sucked fucking shit and barely hit anything except floors and walls, and even then you were still lucky if the rockets hit even those.

Ducking down before the storm of bullets from the FMG9s could kill him C0le pulled out the UMP and fired at the kid, who was sprinting to the left to flank him and in doing so dodged all his bullets because, once again, the UMP's rate of fire sucked dicks without Rapid Fire.

The FMG9 kid neared him and Cole was about shoot him with the UMP, knowing he could not miss at such a close range, when the kid lunged 9000 feet and knifed him in the foot, killing him instantly.

"FUCK YOU ROBERT BOWLING!" C0l3 screamed when he respawned, cursing MW3's lead designer for taking out the Commando perk but leaving in its abilities like 9000 feet knife lunges. Might as well have left the fucking perk in the game.

Pulling up the pause menu Cole looked over the other Custom Classes available to him:

Firepower: UMP45 and RPG-7, which is the one he is currently using, much to his dismay.  
Ultimate shit: M16A4 with no Rapid Fire and FMG9 with holographic sight.  
Cock blow: FAD and MP5, both with Hybrid Sight(no, not the HAMR scope, standard hybrid.)  
Kill nothing: AA12 silenced and no secondary(somehow.)

You suck: MG36 with ACOG and a SPAS-12 silenced(Overkill Pro for the win.)  
Orville Redenbacher(lolwut): frag grenades only.

U suk(again): Riot shield.

"Well, I'm fucked" C0i3 lamented, selecting Ultimate Shit knowing that he could do well with the M16. Upon selecting the class and he saw that the FMG9 kid had killed him a bunch of times and called in a MOAB, dropping that shit on the map and killing him again. Now he was EMP'ed and would be forced to play in the red haze.

_Oh, joy._

Sprinting forward Cole saw the FMG9 kid teabagging his dead body and sighted in, struggling to find his target through the clusterfuck that was the iron sights. Finally aiming on the FMG9 kid c0l3 pulled the trigger and was forced to wait three days before pulling it again, failing to kill the kid because his FMG9s ate the bullets and shit them out.

The FMG9 kid then raped him again.

"FUCK!1one! I just can not kill this cocksucker!" the Boss declared, respawning the cluttered fuckzone that was the side of the map that had the crane and other construction shit on it.

Suddenly an eerie light filled the map and the ghostly form of Captain Price came down, handing Cole a silenced MP5 with Kick and a SMAW, confusing the boss MW3 player.

"What? You tried to kill me! Why are you helping me? Why are you here? Why am I bringing you back? Oh yeah, I'm a bad writer who had to put himself into one of his own stories in an attempt to make it interesting" Cole declared.

"There are plans that have been put in motion that are bigger than this game, bigger than the FMG9 kid who's secretly gay but will deny it to the end, and bigger than me or you. And the universe will need you to stop these plans. Remember what I said in MW2: history is written by the victor" Price explained, floating back up into the air. As he slowly ascended Cole watched thousands of bullets flying through him, being fired by the FMG9 kid.

"Who the heck was that?" Scootaloo asked, Cole having forgotten she was even with him. The little Pegasus filly was hiding in a trashcan next to the spawn.

"Captain Price, Call of Duty legend, and totally better than Victor Reznov. Suck on that one, Kirlia and Blackburn" Cole explained, looking the MP5 over. "And apparently he believes I need to kill this FMG9 bozo with this MP5 because the universe needs me for some horseshit."

Running out of the spawn Cole met the FMG9 in the middle of the map, sighting in and firing on him with the MP5. Time slowed down like in Mass Effect's Adrenaline Rush or Grand Theft Auto III's weird pill thing that I can't remember the name of. As the first few bullets left the barrel of the MP5 Cole took a hit from the FMG9s, flinching upward and throwing his aim off, forcing him to drag the MP5 down to get back on target. Time slowed down even more and bullets slowly soared through the air, both shooters spraying bullets everywhere.

Deciding his FMG9s wouldn't work the kid lunged forward with his knife, looking to stab Cole to end this stupid engagement. As he soared across the walkway Cole continued to pump bullets at him, his ammo counter slowly emptying as poorly rendered shell casings scattered across the floor.

Suddenly, as the last bullet left the gun, the FMG9 kid flopped over, his FMG9s clattering to the floor as his corpse fell off the edge of the map. The kid screaming "ZOMG u fuking gay hacker i hope u get raped and ur family dies and u hav to sell ur xbox 2 pay da billz u queer" on his way down.

Cole had killed a player that was in the middle of Commando lunging him.

Dropping the MP5 to the floor the b0ss slowly looked around as Scootaloo came up to him, asking if he had won. Cole nodded and said "I think it's time we got out of here, Scoots."

The two warped back to The Hub and took a break, Cole thinking about what Captain Price had said and wondering if it meant anything.

* * *

legal stuff: I don't own anything except myself(debatable).


	3. Chapter 3

_**Section Three**_  
_**The plot  
**_

* * *

While in The Hub C0l3 grew an eyepatch and smoked a cigarette while thinking over what Captain Price as Scootaloo hacked and coughed from the cigarette smoke because that shit didn't exist in her universe.

"OK, so Price said that there's some kind of plan being thought up that I need to stop. Scootaloo, any idea as to how I could stop this plan?" Col3 asked, sounding suddenly like Solid Snake and taking a drag from the cigarette.

"I-_COUGH_-don't know-_COUGH!_" Scootaloo managed, desperately waving the smoke away with a hoof.

"Hmm" the human wondered, putting the cig out and taking the functionless eyepatch off, preparing to head into another universe.

Heading for one of the doors the B0$$ saw that it was locked, noting that the door looked different from the other ones. The others were average wood doors but this one was made of gold and had a solid diamond for a knob.

It was these subtle differences that allowed Cole to realize that this one was different.

Deciding that this door would have to wait the uber-leet CoD player walked away, heading over to another door and opening it, taking a gaze inside and seeing it was Battlefield 3.

"Come on, Scootaloo" the human said, the two of them jumping into the world of BF3.

* * *

"I'M GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS OVER HERE!"

"BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED...enemy tank spotted."

"HANG BACK IT'S KILLING TIME MOTHERFUCKER!"

"GIVE ME SOME FUCKING AMMO!1!"

"TAKE THIS YOU FUCKING FUCK PIECE OF SHIT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER BITCH!"

"AMMO, AMMO MOTHERFUCKER!"

"STAND BACK I'M GONNA DROP THAT BITCH!"

All of the above clusterfuck of obscenities and a massive explosion assaulted Cole and Scootaloo's ears, forcing the two to take cover behind a building which then promptly collapsed as a T90 rolled through, the driver popping out for a second and yelling "FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER" in Russian before popping back in.

Running away like pussies the two of them ran into one of the buildings that couldn't be destroyed as Cole perused the scene, wondering what map they were on.

It was Strike at Karkand.

"Fucking trainwreck this is. We need to find someone who can help us find out what this evil plan I have to stop is" Cole explained.

"Who in this crazy ass place could help us?!" Scootaloo asked, bewildered by all the explosions and unnecessary cursing that was going on; the explosions made it like a Michael Bay movie and the cussing made it sound like a 5-year-old girl was getting ass-raped by a black man with a 12-inch cock.

"Well it's possible we'll find my beta-raper, Lord Michael Blackburn; to find him all we have to do is locate the support guy running around with an M60 Extended Mags shitting bullets all over Recons and jerking off to Vietcong guys burning from Napalm" the human answered.

"But first I have to find some gear; my custom M1911A1 just won't cut it."

Just then a Russian Engineer ran by and died, his body rag-dolling as he yelled "CUNT-BITCH FUCKER" and his kit clattered along the concrete, a second later an Abrams rolling by and bending the T90 over and raping it in the ass before heading on its way.

Picking up the dead Engineer's kit Cole found himself holding an AKS-74u and an M9(because that makes sense in Battlefield's universe) as well as the other assorted things an Engineer would carry like the Troll-tech corp blowtorch-made-for-raping-Recons model 9001.

Cocking the AK and the M9 Cole proceeded down the street to the courtyard that had the fountain in it and an M-COM station next to it and saw an LAV-25 dry-humping the fountain.

Heading up the ladder of the building across the street C0l3 looked around the map with his binoculars that didn't exist and saw all the crazy shit going on; Marines yelling in all caps with the word 'fuck' being every other word in the sentence while the Recons camped on rooftops failing to hit jack shit because every sniper in the game thought that the higher you go the better you are as a sniper when in fact they're fucking dipshits that don't understand the concept of bullet drop.

The Supports ran around throwing 34 bricks of C4 on tanks, APCs, jeeps, people, World Trade Centers, dogs, and pretty much everything they saw while throwing down ammo for themselves to replenish the C4 they expended.

The Engineers ran up to the camping Recons and blowtorched their skulls and then teabagged them, getting booted from the server by the Admin who happened to be one of those camping Recons because he was a faggot and thought he was so cool for holding "power" over the people who played in his rented server.

The Assaults were the only ones doing reasonable shit(like planting the bombs on the M-COMs and reviving their dead teammates) though they died the most because they were trying to play the objective instead of being a Pr0 l3g1t /Vo5c0p3r R3c0n.

"This is a fucking clusterfuck" Cole lamented, stowing the non-existent binoculars and jumping off the building, opening his parachute three feet off the ground which still somehow broke his fall while Scootaloo fluttered down using her pathetic wingpower to slow her descent.

Running across the street to the fountain and heading up the stairs behind it the two went down the street and ducked into an alley, finding an Engineer there gripping his basic M4A1 tightly and hyperventilating.

"What the fuck?" Cole wondered, startling the Engineer who screamed and scrambled away, his voice actually sounding kind of feminine.

A patch of a blue pony shrugging was on his shoulder.

"Wait...Kirlia?" Col3 said, prompting the soldier to stop in her tracks and look up at the uber-leet boss.

"H-How do you know my name?" the Engineer asked, definitely a female.

"I'm Cole, AKA Codename: One, AKA the Archangel(unofficial nickname)" the b0ss MW3 player answered, offering a hand to pull her to her feet.

"You're Codename: One?!" the player said, squeeing like Fluttershy and fan-girling all over the place.

"So you know this chick?" Scootaloo said, looking up at the two humans.

"Yeah, this is Kirlia-481*, 15-year-old girl with long black hair who wanted me to put in her real life appearance so pedophiles would have an easier time finding her. She's one of my readers and a person I'm beta-reading a story for. She was hiding here because she sucks at Battlefield, apparently" Cole replied, Kirlia punching him in the arm.

"Ow, hey! What was that for?"

"For saying I suck at this game, though I can't really deny it. Anyway I guess I was right; you really do look and sound really manly, and you're kinda cute" Kirlia complemented, making the usually hard-ass Call of Duty player blush.

"T-thanks. Anyway, before you get too far ahead of yourself and become the love interest I must first get your help; I'm here looking for my beta-reader, Blackburn; he's most likely playing as a Support with an M60 spraying bullets everywhere. Have you seen him?" Cole inquired.

"You're in luck, I think; I saw a Support running down the street spraying his M60 everywhere and yelling about Jihad and Allah" the female stated.

"That was definitely Blackburn. Where did you see him last?"

"On the street in front of that building that has one of the first two M-COMs in it; he ran up to the LAV and threw C4 all over it, blowing it across the map where it landed on the fountain. Though the Abrams showed up and shot at him before he could C4 that bitch too. Don't know where he is now" Kirlia explained.

"Don't worry, it won't be hard to find him" C0l3 responded, preparing to head out.

"Soooo...you wanna go out sometime?" Kirlia asked, making Cole blush furiously.

"D-damn it, Kirlia, you can't be the love interest unless I get permission from you in real life!" Cole protested, his cheeks a fair shade of red as he turned away and grew his eyepatch like he was some Clint Eastwood hard-ass that rejects the girl at first because he's such a hard-ass uber-leet boss hero.

"Oooh, Cole and Kirlia sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Scootaloo chanted, earning a scowl from the male human.

"Let's just go and find Blackburn."

"Wait, aren't you on the enemy team?" Kirlia asked, eyeing his AKS-74u; if he was on the enemy team she'd be screwed as she wouldn't be able to hit shit because her aim was horrible.

"No, I just stole this kit from a dead Russian who got raped by an Abrams" Cole answered, heading down the street while Kirlia and Scootaloo followed, talking about the usual chick stuff like how hot Cole was and how good he was at Call of Duty.

At least that's what they were talking about in his head; in reality they were probably talking about shoes or some shit.

"So then I said 'Wow, he doesn't look like what I think he looked like. He looks manly. Then I saw the Run walkthrough and I said 'OMG, his voice sounds manly as well!' Fangirl FTW!' and I would've subscribed but I forgot the password to my Youtube profile" Kirlia said, finishing recounting a story to Scootaloo.

Cole stopped in his tracks and thought _wait, they really were talking about how hot I was and how good I am at CoD? Da fuk?_

"Looks like the defenders have been pushed back to the set of M-COMs right before the ones across the river; Kirlia, what team is Blackburn on?" Cole asked, turning around to face the female human.

"Uhhhh...American; I heard him screaming about Jihad in English, not Russian."

"Good, that means he's about to blow up the M-COMs and push the Russians across the river" Cole said, continuing on his way with the girls in tow.

"How do you know this?" Kirlia inquired, jogging a little to catch up to him while Scootaloo was forced to run. The explosions in the area had died down as the warring factions steadily moved to the back of the map.

"He's Blackburn; he'll rape the M-COMs and then shit on the admin using a PP-2000 with thermal sight, tactical light, and suppressor just because he can" the ub3r-l33t b0ss answered as they neared the third set of M-COMs next to the river.

Suddenly there was a loud snap and Kirlia went down screaming, forcing Cole and Scootaloo to dive behind a building to take cover.

"Kirlia! What happened?!" Scootaloo yelled, cowering behind the male human.

"F-faggot Recon...M98B...12x scope...what a tryhard bitch..." Kirlia wheezed, slipping off as a skull and crossbones icon appeared above her.

She was dead.

"K-Kirlia? She'll be OK, r-right? She can j-just respawn, right?" Scootaloo asked, on the verge of crying.

"Sure, but she probably won't, she'll probably just ditch this game and go play Black Ops because she's bad at this game" Cole replied, feeling the ghost of Kirlia punch him in the arm again.

_I hate you_ the beast CoD player thought, hoping Kirlia could hear him.

"It's just you and me now, Scootaloo; we've gotta find Blackburn and get the hell out of here" Cole exclaimed, preparing to quickly head out while the Recon was busy jerking off over the kill he just got.

Peeking around the corner the human saw the lens flare that shined across the entire fucking map like a Goddamned SOS beacon broadcasting the sniper's location for all to see.

"There's the bastard" Cole declared, preparing to shoot at him; even if he didn't kill him suppression works 10x for snipers so even a .22 coming in his general direction would make the Recon shit himself and make his vision blurrier than an old guy who just jizzed everywhere's eyesight.

As he was about to open fire a bunch of Supports jumped out of an alley and starting spraying their M60s all over the damn joint, suppressing Cole and forcing him to duck back.

"I'M PINNED, I'M PINNED MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHIT-LICKER I NEED HELP!" Cole yelled, feeling the nature of Battlefield 3 rubbing off on him(bow chicka bow wow.)

_"Don't worry kid, I'll save you"_ a deep creeper voice said over the radio, sounding like Batman after he had chain-smoked for 35 years.

Suddenly the map fell dark as the sun was eclipsed by a Support guy who was flying in the air, catching the attention of all the players on the map that weren't AFK or circle-jerking around the M-COMs.

"Gonna fist a bitch with my cheese grater!" the Support growled, soaring down to the ground and Commando lunging the enemy Support guys in the alley that were suppressing Cole, though the lunge was even bigger as it was Bad Company 2's version of Commando, which would let you knife a bitch standing on the roof of a two-story house if you jumped before knifing.

With each Support guy knifed the blade grew longer, making the bodies stick on the blade like a human shish-kebab. The Support guys tried in vain to shoot the Super-Support but he just ate the bullets and shit them out.

Seeing all the Supports get raped up the ass by a box-cutter the Engineers sloppily coordinated a plan which was total fucking fail because they were all 14 year olds living in a basement and all wanted to be the one "with the cool plan".

Super-Support mowed them all down with a single mag of his M60, yelling "YATATATATATATATA" as he did so which made his aim 100,000,000% better(true story.)

Now down to just their Recons and Assaults the enemy team banded together in a rare form of cooperation and *GASP*, the Recons are actually going to fucking do something other than jerk off on their 12x Ballistic scopes.

Just kidding, they're all running for the nearest building that has a ladder going to the roof.

Realizing they were on their own the Assaults came up with the genius plan of bum-rushing the Super-Support, basing their plan on the logic that they can just revive one another until one of them finally kills the crazy motherfucker.

With their plan in motion all the Assaults rushed forward into a meat grinder of bullets, all coming from the Support's M60E4 while he had flashbacks to Nam about the Vietcong rushing his hill and wilting apart under the storm of bullets he had fired from an original M60.

As the first of their ranks began to die several broke off to revive them, creating an endless cycle of Assaults reviving Assaults while Super-Support mowed them down, receiving only the odd bullet in his foot before he killed the shooter.

Seven hours and 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 experience points for the Super-Support later the Assaults had finally given up and quit the game, sending their enemy a bunch of hate-mail.

Cleaning his cheese grater off in the river the Super-Support just ran up to the building that EVERY SINGLE Recon player was on and watched as the Recons frantically cut the ladder off, forcing the Super-Support to stab his box-cutter into the building and use it like an ice-pick to get to the top of the building.

Upon reaching the top the Recons opened fire, though all of them had M98Bs with 12x ballistic scopes because they were all faggots.

The Super-Support's C4 made short work of them.

Jumping back down to the ground the Super-Support approached Cole and Scootaloo, the three of them the only ones left alive in the server. Super-Support smoked a cigar and polished his cheese grater with a cloth, saying "you're all clear kid, now go home."

"Blackburn, it's me, Cole. I need your help" the b0ss game player said, making Super-Support perk up and toss his cigar and cheese grater into the river.

"Cole? Holy shit, what the fuck are you doing here?" Super-Support, AKA Blackburn, asked, ditching the pedophile chain-smoker Batman voice in favor of his normal voice.

"Captain Price told me there's some kind of plan I have to stop that's currently being put in motion, though he didn't give me any details because I need to provide suspense in my story. Want to help me stop something that I know nothing about? And on that note, do you have anything that could help us figure out what this evil plan is?" Cole asked, stowing his AKS-74u on his back.

"Captain Price came to me with the same thing, though he actually gave me some info to help me. I guess he figured I would have a better chance than you" Blackburn commented.

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, what's the deal?"

"Apparently this evil plan involves PURE UNCUT COCAINE and some kind of super-weapon, which is seriously the best the author could come up with because, despite what his readers would/will say, he's actually not that good of an author" Blackburn explained.

"So, we got Pure Uncut Cocaine and a super-weapon; any idea as to who's behind this?" the ub3r-l33t b0$$ inquired, preparing to head back to The Hub now that they've recruited Blackburn.

"Unfortunately no, though it's probably Casey Hudson or EA, or the Jews at Activision. Or the nig-" Blackburn started, cut off when the author himself descended from the sky and paid him 1,000 dollars to cut the racist/homophobic/9-11 related jokes for the duration of his time in the story.

"Right, now that I've been sufficiently bribed do you want to go back to The Hub?" Blackburn stated, pulling his airsoft G36 out of nowhere and masturbating over it.

"Sure. Let's go" Cole responded, preparing to open the portal.

"Don't forget Scootaloo" Blackburn reminded the b0$$, seeing that Cole had almost completely forgot about the little filly in this chapter.

"Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me" C0l3 said, grabbing the little Pegasus as the three of them jumped through the portal, leaving the map vacant for several seconds.

...

Suddenly Kirlia ran up on the street, panting heavily and saying "I'm back! I respawned and had to run all the way back out here. I'm ready to... Cole? Scootaloo? Where'd you guys go?"

There was no response.

Suddenly a couple of the Recons respawned and walked up to Kirlia, yelling "holy shit! You're a girl?!" before spamming her hundreds of friend requests and asking if she wanted to go out with them.

Kirlia sighed before killing herself and backing out of the game, going back to play Black Ops.

* * *

*Kirlia's an actual person. She reads my stories. I don't own her. I only own myself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**  
**Finding the leads**

* * *

After a night(or maybe it was a day, I don't fucking know) of sleeping in The Hub the team, comprised of Cole, Blackburn, and Scootaloo went over what they knew about the evil plan that was currently being concocted that they had to stop.

Well, Cole and Blackburn talked about it, Scootaloo just jerked off to 70's porn in the corner.

"All of the PURE UNCUT COCAINE I own was stolen recently, and we know the plot involves PUC, so perhaps the mastermind behind this plan stole it to feed it to his hookers or some shit" Blackburn said, stroking his cheese grater that he had magically whisked into the Hub from the river he tossed it in.

"OK, so that might be a possible connection; so we've got PURE UNCUT COCAINE and a super-weapon involved, and we still don't know who's behind it. We need to pursue some leads and look for some clues. What kind of leads do we have?" Cole asked, smoking another cigarette.

"Just the PURE UNCUT COCAINE" Blackburn answered, leaning back against the locked door made of gold.

"Huh? Oh, I didn't even see this door here."

"I know, right? It's so subtle that it's almost invisible" Cole stated, opening up one of the wood doors and waking up Scootaloo.

"Scoots, it's time to go" the ub3r-l33t bo$$ said, nudging the sleeping filly. She was so cute, so tender, so young and innocent and vulnera-

Cole smacked himself and forced the pedophile thoughts out of his head, feeling Chris Hansen's eyes peering at him from around one of the doors.

"Ughh, I'm tired. Can't I just stay here and sleep?" Scootaloo asked, her voice groggy and she rolled over.

"Sure, me and Blackburn can handle an op by ourselves. In fact, it might be better if you stay here; the universe is a dangerous place" Cole stated.

"Especially since Jerry Sandusky's escaped from prison" Blackburn commented, making Cole shudder in disgust and fear.

"OK, Scootaloo, we'll be back soon; sweet dreams, sweetie" the b0$$ declared.

"COUGHgayCOUGH" Blackburn exclaimed ostentatiously, a smile on his douchey face.

"Let's go" C0le said, the two jumping through the door he had selected.

* * *

"Just one question: why the fuck did you bring me here?" Blackburn asked, seeing that they had arrived in the universe of Call of Duty: Black Ops.

"Look on the bright side; it's Black Cocks, not Modern Warfuck 3" Cole stated, walking forward and perusing the scene; it was the map Jungle, which means...

"BACK IN 'NAM!" Blackburn yelled, his voice changing to the chain-smoker Batman voice and an eyepatch falling on his face as he shit out an M60 and ran forward, spraying the LMG everywhere and screaming "NAM NAM NAM NAM NAM NAM!"

"Well, this is a trainwreck, huh?" a female voice said behind Cole, prompting him to whip around and take aim with the Family Heirloom... Wait, wrong story... The Man-Toy, his silver M1911A1.

"Hey, wait! It's me, Kirlia" the female said, holding the Stoner 63 with Extended Mags; how she was able to shoot anything through the clusterfuck that were the iron sights was a mystery.

"I guess you really did go back to Black Ops; wanna help me restrain Blackburn before he destroys the whole world?" C0l3 inquired, stowing his 1911 back in his holster.

"Sure!" Kirlia exclaimed, joining Cole as he begrudgingly went after Blackburn.

_I don't even know if this story will be able to be posted on FIMfiction; there's so much circle-jerking going on the mods would descend from the heavens and hit me in the face with the banhammer like Thor using MJOLNIR as a baseball bat_ the b0$$ mused.

_Maybe I'll just kill her._

Sounded like a good plan to him.

After four hours of searching the same map the two of them finally found Blackburn, his balls a deflated mess after he had jerked off over a hundred Vietcong soldiers burning to death from his napalm strikes.

"Gross" Kirlia commented, and Col3 had no reason to disagree.

"Wake him up; we have to do...something. I don't know" Cole stated, turning away and looking around; they were in that one corner of the map that had the bunker-pit with the choppers behind the fence and the bridge leading to that well with the slanted roof.

"Why do I have to wake him up?" Kirlia whined, not even wanting to look at Blackburn and the charred remains of VC covered in cum.

"Because I told you to, alright?! You can wash your fucking hands in the piss river nearby after you're done" Cole yelled, heading across the bridge to the well and the hut next to it.

Kirlia looked down at Blackburn and nudged him with her foot, earning no response; he was out like a light.

"Ughhh, I paid $100 dollars for these boots, too; this is so gross" Kirlia said. She nudged Blackburn harder this time and he woke up, grunting and snorting, dumping a pouch of PURE UNCUT COCAINE all over his face and standing up.

"Where the fuck are my pants?" Blackburn asked, searching the piles of corpses for his G36 which he would wear as a cock-sock until he could get some new pants at the Quarian sex shop in the next chapter.

"So, uh, what're you guys doing here?" Kirlia asked, averting her eyes from Blackburn's 30-inch penis which he had because he was so awesome.

"The fuck would I know? Ask Cole, it's his stupid ass that brought us here" the parody writer answered, sticking his dick down the barrel of his G36 and stealing a couple wallets from the dead VC.

"That's wrong, you shouldn't do that" Kirlia stated, making Blackburn slowly turn his head to face her with a creepy/angry look on his face.

"OOOK, nevermind."

As Blackburn prepared to drink a beer they heard Cole call out their names, forcing them to head over across the bridge where they found the b0$$ standing next to the well.

"Take a look at this" C0le declared, nodding at the well and stepping aside.

He didn't even bat an eye at Blackburn wearing his G36 over his penis.

"Umm, doesn't this weird you out?" Kirlia asked, pointing to Blackburn.

"No? Why would it? He's fucking Blackburn; he probably wears that thing like that in real life while playing BF3 with me which is kinda creepy when I think about it I'm going to stop talking now inhale sharply" Col3 exclaimed.

"Anyway, what's in this well? Tali'Zorah? Can I fuck her?" Blackburn inquired, peering over the edge into the well where he saw the corpse of Casey Hudson, the project leader for Mass Effect.

"Thank God that bitch is dead as hell; he fucking deserved it. Just like how the glitter child deserved to be raped" Blackburn said.

"Wow, you guys are fucked up" Kirlia told them, disgusted by both of their general demeanors and attitudes.

"Where did you find this bitch, Cole? Look baby, this is how we act; I say racist/homophobic/sexist and otherwise generally offensive thing, Cole says I'm a bad person despite the fact that he's laughing his ass off, and then we all get along until I Jackhammer rape him in BF3 and he posts an author's note that's longer than the damn chapter he put it in" Blackburn ranted, pissing on Casey Hudson's corpse.

"That's _precisely_ why I'm saying you guys are fucked up!" Kirlia replied.

"Look, Kir, I know you don't like it but you'll get used to it eventually; hell, I was the same way when I first talked with Blackburn on XBL but I've learned to just roll with it 'cause he's never going to stop; and regardless of how offensive it is some of the shit he says is fucking hilarious" Cole explained.

"Yeah, what he said; now go make me a sammich, bitch" Blackburn ordered, suddenly wearing a Quarian mask.

"Yeah, no, fuck this; I'm outta here. Cole, don't forget you need to beta-read my story" Kirlia stated, preparing to GTFO.

"Yeah if you ever get around to writing the fucking thing" Cole whispered, looking away at Blackburn.

"What was that?" Kirlia asked.

"Nothing, get out of here" the ub3r-l33t b0$$ answered, walking away with Blackburn while Kirlia went to go jerk off.

"OK, so here's what we got; PURE UNCUT COCAINE, a superweapon, and Casey Hudson's corpse; any idea how this fits?" Cole said as the two walked down the grassy path behind the hut that lead to the stone ruins at the back of Jungle.

"No idea, but we're gonna need to fish out Hudson's corpse" Blackburn responded.

"Are you gonna do what I think you are, Black?" Cole said, stopping and turning to face his friend.

"No, I'm just going to shit all over it and send pics to my girlfriend" Blackburn stated.

"Gross. Let's just get out of here."

* * *

Once back in The Hub Cole had a shit-fit because Scootaloo was gone and Blackburn didn't give a shit because he had chicken until Leroy Jenkins rushed in and stole it forcing them to chase after him when he went through the gold door and locked it behind himself, cutting them off and leaving them wondering WTF had just happened.

* * *

legality: I own nothing but myself.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**  
**Back to Cumkand**

* * *

Jumping out into the next universe Blackburn punched a random guy in the face before they set out, wondering just what the next stage of their plan was.

"OK, we need guns, and to find out why Casey Hudson was dead at the bottom of a well" Cole stated, checking over his 1911.

"Both of those easy; we just go fuck Tali and she'll give us all the guns we need, and Hudson's dead because he was such a faggot bitch" Blackburn replied.

"OK, so where are we at?"

They looked around, seeing they were back in Battlefield 3, on the map Caspian Border. Cole had the Assault kit with a SCAR-H(because logic) and Blackburn was a-

Recon?

The parody author suddenly sniped Cole in the face and ran off, yelling "lol fag!". In the killcam Cole saw that his setup was iron-sights M40A51A1M29001

The Boss then realized it was Battlefield Combat Log Number 8-something, otherwise known as The Fateful Night When Cole Got Butthurt.

"Shiiiiitt, this isn't gonna end well" The Col3 said to himself, suddenly receiving a hug from behind.

"What the f-" turning around Cole saw Kirlia once again here with him. "Are you a fucking figment of my imagination? I swear, it's like Silent Hill 2 all over again!"

"I'm sorry, but...I LOVE YOU!" Kirlia screamed, finally fessing up to what was so damn obvious.

"...Uuum, I'm gay" Cole replied, shitting out a bullshit lie. Well, only a half-lie.

"Lol, you're silly" Kirlia stated, still hugging him.

_Shit, I should REALLY kill her like I said in the last chapter._

"OK, OK, but look, we got a problem; Blackburn's a bad guy in this scenario. I need you to back me up for this one. I know you're bad at this game but please, _please_ help me!" C0le pleaded.

"Can we make out afterwards?" Kirlia inquired, earning silence and a few blinks from The Boss.

"Sure."

The camera flew up into the air to provide an epic view as the two combatants moved across the massive field of grass near the RU spawn. Kirlia was a Support with LSAT and a 6X scope because she was crazy and probably liked vaguely phallic-shaped objects.

She'll probably smack him if she hears that one.

"So wait, aren't you dead IRL? I haven't heard from you in literally months" Cole said to her.

"Yeaaah, I've been busy with school and clopping to hot gay-secks" the girl answered.

"Lol, you still have to go to school."

"Yeah, yeah."

Suddenly a giant bullet slashed through the air and blasted through Cole's skull, forcing him to watch the killcam of Blackburn standing on the top of Camp-Shit Mountain with his iron sight rifle.

"How the fuck?"

Cole respawned on Kirlia, who was cowering behind a rock and peeing herself. Blackburn had magical powers when it came to sniping despite the fact that he hated the Recon class. Probably because he actually went through and got at least 5 Service Stars with every single last gun in Battlefield 3.

"MOTHERFUCKING SHITTERY CUNT-CRUST I'M GETTING SHOT TO SHIT HERE!" Kirlia screamed in the Support guy's voice, Blackburn blasting the rock she was behind full-auto despite the M40A18==D being bolt action.

"OK, I got plan!" Cole announced, getting immediately shot in the head afterwards.

"Damn it! Also I have no idea how I'm consistently communicating with Kirlia since BF3's voice chat is so awful."

Cole spawned back in on the RU deployment, knowing that Blackburn wouldn't be able to see him. Hopping in the T-90 Coss(combination of Cole and Boss, deal with it) drove out across the countryside and stopped near Kirlia, whose pants were soaking with her piss because Blackburn was a terrifying hacker superhero.

"Thanks for rescuing me, now let's get going" Kirlia said, taking a seat in the gunner position. Together they rode up CampShit Mountain as far as they could before the tank stalled, locked into position about 200 feet away from the peak where Blackburn stood fingering Tali'Whorah and somehow operating the bolt-action on his gun. If you know what I mean.

"Kirly, listen t-"

"Oooh, 'Kirly'?! I like that one" the girl interrupted.

"Listen to me! I need you to keep the main gun trained on Blackburn while I rush at him for a distraction" Cole explained, preparing to jump right out of the tank by spamming B.

"Really? That's the best you could come up with?" Kirlia responded incredulously, raising an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?" Cole asked, suddenly wearing the Arbiter's armor and talking with Keith David's voice.

"Watch" Kirly stated, taking aim on Tali'Whorah and firing the cannon, blasting her apart and leaving Blackburn unscathed. The cracked out Recon went into a frenzy and starting firing bullets down the tank's barrel in the hopes of hitting both people inside.

"Now go get him!" Kirlia declared, kissing Cole on the cheek just as he prepared to leave. For a few moments all Cole did was stand still in the tank as his entire face turned tomato-red. He probably would've stood there for the rest of eternity if Kirlia didn't turn him around and kick him right in the butt, sending him out of the tank.

Manning up and donning his magical eyepatch Cole started out in a dead sprint for the mountain peak, the thunder of the T-90 ringing in his ears as Kirlia fired. To save weight and move faster Cole dropped the SCAR-H and whipped out his M1911, except it wasn't his for some reason. Instead it was Naked Snake's custom M1911A1 from Operation: Snake Eater, complete with the silencer and his knife.

Reaching the peak of the mountain Cole took aim on Blackburn with the 1911 and fired, finally killing him and ending the events of BattleDiary Number 8-whatever.

With Blackburn dead and Tali'Whorah blasted in a million bits Cole turned around triumphantly as Kirlia climbed out of the tank, smile on her face.

And then Blackburn respawned and stabbed COl3 in the throat, taking his Need For Speed: The Run dogtag and eating it, claiming the game was shit and nobody should wear the tag.

As Cole respawned on Kirlia the entire battlefield was lit ablaze as a mysterious spaceship flew in, blasting jizz-lasers everywhere. Blackburn got all cracked out again and ran for the RU deployment, taking one of the jets and flying for the ship.

Cole was perplexed by Blackburn's continued insanity until he took a closer look at the ship, seeing the name EAS _Money-Gouger_ written on the side.

EAS... Electronic Arts Ship.

"By the Gods!" Cole yelled with Keith David's voice again. "EA are the ones behind all this! But why did they kill Casey Hudson? This makes no sense... Kirlia, we need to go find Captain Price and figure out what the hell is going on around here."

"What about Scootaloo?" Kirly asked.

"We'll have to find her later. I suspect we can get answers in the Mass Effect universe, so let's go there next" Cole told her.

"What about Blackburn? Can we trust him?"

"Absolutely, this was just a one-time thing. In fact, this isn't even how the actual events played out. I edited the log like General Chase edited the Anchorage Reclamation simulation in Fallout 3. In the original event Blackburn and I went at it for several hours(bow chicka bow wow) and even went to battle in a Modern Warfare 2 private match which ended up being a Won-Man-Faggot Danger Close Pro-Pipe fuckfest" Cole told her.

"Sooo..." Kirlia started, not exactly getting the answer she wanted.

"So yes, Blackburn can be trusted. Let's just wait a while for him to chill out" C0le replied as the portal back to the Hub opened up, allowing the two to walk through.

That night(well it's always dark in the Hub save for the doors) the two went to sleep on the totally comfortable floor, but when Cole woke up Kirlia was practically making herself into a cocoon for him since she was cuddled up closer to him than my cat Jett on my sister, making Cole awkwardly lie on the floor awake and wonder about everything.

And what Kirlia was mumbling about in her sleep made it even more awkward.

_Shudder... Why would anyone put cookies in that spot?  
_

* * *

legal n0nsense that makes torgue very angry: I own nothing but myself. Blackburn is Tali's bitch. Kirlia is a virgin catholic school nun wat the fuck am I talking about?


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter Six**_  
_**Ass Effect**_

* * *

The Citadel was never the best place to go in the Mass Effect universe. Sure it seemed safe and the council wanted everyone to think it was safe, but nothing is safe when EA is plotting some evil scheme.

That and it's not safe when Commander Shepard is onboard.

Cole and Kirlia stood on Zakera Ward deep in the heart of the Citadel, watching Krogan fuck each other in the ass and Mexica- I mean Volus being thrown in jail for next to no reason.

"Ey ese, you can't deport me! I've got a VISA!" some Mexican(a real Mexican, not a Volus!) screamed as Semen-SEC took him away.

"OK, so Anal Effect is another one of EA's money-slaves, so we might be able to find some leads here" Cole said, making sure the Snake Match M1911 was holstered. He also discovered that his own personal M1911, the Man-Toy, was still with him.

"Need to get some better weapons."

Together Cole and Kirlia began their search by heading downstairs to the cafe, ordering some random space food that looked most compatible for humans and relaxing.

"We need to get a hotel room and get some rest. Plus I need a shower" Cole stated, idly surveying his surroundings.

"We should shower together" Kirlia commented, prompting the Bo$S to look at her in surprise.

"It'll save water!"

"Yeah...I'm not too worried about using up all the hot water on a giant space station" Cole told her just as their food arrived, allowing them to eat.

After about 10 minutes they had finished their meals and were preparing to leave, Cole pulling a hundred dollars out of his ass to pay as they walked out of the cafe.

"Well that was eventful, and we learned absolute fuck-all about our objectives" the male remarked, looking out the window at all the cars flying about.

"Cole, look!" Kirly declared, pointing up at the other side of the arm. Cole followed her gaze and saw EAS _Money-Gouger_ docked at a port near the SSV _Back In Nam'mandy._

"EA's here, but what about Blackburn?" Cole wondered aloud. Usually when Blackburn and EA mix together shit starts exploding and random Quarians start dry-humping Blackburn.

"Doesn't look like there's any way over there just yet. I think we need to do a few more things" Kirly said.

"Got it. Let's go" Cole said just as Michael Bay started raining explosions on the Citadel and Nazi Jew Rapists- I mean Reapers, starting sexually assaulting everyone they saw.

"What the fuck is this nonsense?!" Cole declared, dual-wielding the two M1911s and blasting Reapers to death.

"We need to get off this station and find a way back to the Hub!" Cole stated, reloading the guns and continuing to rape the rapists.

"I'M GARRUS VAKARIAN AND THIS IS MY rectum" a mad-ass Turian screamed as he flew into the battle, sexually gyrating as Commander Shepard snagged up every female he could find until it turned into a massive pile of girls having an orgy all over him like it was a Goddamn Katamari game.

Strangely though Kirlia was unaffected by Shepard's charms.

"Kirly, come on!" Cole yelled as he ran around the insane battle that was still somehow a fuckfest. Blood and jizzed glittered in the light as Shepard yelled ridiculous terms and Garrus ranted on about how he needed his dick calibrated and how awesome his rectum was.

Dropping down a level Cole pulled a GTA and dragged some old-ass lady out of one of the cars, stomping on her throat and getting in. Kirlia followed quickly behind and they took off, flying down the arm of the Citadel, seeing a giant Reaper hovering over the space station bending a smaller Reaper over and shoving its tentacles up its Reaper-Rectum while Harbinger used the Citadel as a Fleshlight. The Council and thousands of other people dying in an instant as Harbinger shoved its Reaper-Dick through the Presidium ring.

And then Reznov fucked Chernov in the ass.

"This is a complete madhouse, man" Cole commented as Reaper jizz blasting along his arm of the Citadel. The male human flew the car closer to the wards and slowed down, preparing to land in the places where Commander Shepard stalked some politician in search of Thane's son.

Suddenly an errant blast hit the car and it nose-dived straight into the ward, disintegrating into a million bits because it was made in China. As Kirly and Cole got out Cerberus suddenly showed up because the Illusive Man was letting the Reapers fuck him in the ass because he liked it.

"GET THE GIRL. WAIT, WE'RE ALL GAY. WHY DO WE WANT A CHICK?!" the local Cerberus commander declared as they approached Cole and his maybe-possibly-lover.

While the Cerberus retards were arguing over whose dick they were gonna suck and why they wanted to capture Kirlia Cole shot them all down, jacking an M-96 Mattock off one of the corpses, along with enough ammo to over-encumber the Fallout player with a strength of 10.

And Kirlia took a dinky little M-3 Predator pistol because she was a weakling girl who can't handle a bigger gun or even my big gun wink wink nudge nudge(oh God she's gonna smack me in real life for that one).

Sudden revelations smacked Cole in the face and he knew instantly where to go, turning to Kirlia and saying "we need to go to Semen-SEC headquarters to find where the EAS Money-Gouger came from and is going next."

"OK, lead the way" Kirlia said, preparing to follow.

"Fuck, I've only played Mass Effect 1 once, and I haven't even beaten it yet. It might take awhile before we actually find it" Cole confessed.

The duo set out on the arm for Semen-SEX HQ, battling Serbia- I mean Cerberus and Reapers and Mexicans and Nig- FUCK! Blackburn's racism is rubbing off on me bow chicka bow wow all the way.

Finally reaching an Amata or whatever the name of the fucking creepy VI Citadel map-girl is Cole rushed up and smacked that bitch across the face before violently violating her USB port for a map of the entire Citadel, including Harbinger's dick which was added to the schematics for some reason.

"OK, here's where the C-SACK headquarters is. Let's go, babe" Cole blurted out, freezing in place before he could move, realizing what had come out of his mouth.

"'B-babe'?" Kirlia said, stunned by what she had heard. She almost wanted to jump on the male and start making out with him. "B... Babe?"

Grabbing Kirly by the shoulders Cole looked deep into her eyes and said "Kir, listen to me, I need you to back me up. You can fangirl all over me(eughh, that sounds gross) later, but right now I need you to shoot motherfuckers in the face for me."

Bucking up and putting a confident smile on her face Kirlia said "if this is how I can impress you then let's do it."

Suddenly badass fucking face-melting rock music came on and Kirlia grew a mustache as her pistol became fully-automatic, shredding through Reapers and taking the virginity of aliens as she went, becoming what is basically female Shepard. PURE UNCUT COCAINE was deposited directly into her nostrils and Tank Dempsey screamed like a little girl as the Incredible Kirlia ripped Marauder Shields in half, eating his heart and spitting on his name for not trying hard enough to save every Mass Effect 3 player from seeing the fucking terrible ending.

Cole stopped and watched Kirly go on a massive rampage, admitting to himself(and only himself) that she was actually pretty Goddamn scary.

A Reaper Brute smashed through a Kay Jeweler and was poised to crush Kirlia when she kicked it in the balls, causing him to go down crying like a wimpy little Husk. Growing high-heels Kirlia stomped on the Brute's balls until they crawled up into his body, scared and confused.

She then shoved a fake-ass diamond up his dick because it's Kay and their diamonds most likely aren't real and if they are then they're from some poor-ass African country and were mined by a malnourished 13-year old black kid under gun-point.

Her hair a frazzled mess Kirlia whipped around to look at Cole, who shrieked like a little bitch and instinctively covered his crotch with his hands so as not to suffer the same fate as Kirly's enemies.

"Come on!" the female human commanded in a demonic voice not-too-different from the Harbinger's as Cole nervously approached her, the two partaking in what could only be the most romantic thing in the universe; butchering a bunch of big-ass fucking aliens and Cerberus faggots.

Eventually their Kill Frenzy wore off and they found themselves outside Semen-SACK headquarters, Garrus on the front steps flapping his junk against a dead Husk's trunk while quickscoping Collectors in the face with his Viper. Javik played hip-hop and smashed Marauders with a basketball and stolen car stereo, and Cortez offered up his sweet, possibly-Mexican, ass for five dollars a fuck.

"I'M GARRUS VAKARIAN AND THIS IS sparta" the Turian shouted, doing a 3670208 spin and reverse-claymore swap secondary switch fuck-tuple backflip while eating a Kit-Kat bar quickscoped a Banshee.

"Garrus, we need to find out where the Money-Gouger is going!" Cole declared as he reloaded his Mattock.

"IT'S GOING UP MY ass. I'M AN EA FUCK WHORE!" Vakarian Garrus yelled.

Ignoring him the two humans(because Cortex((YES CORTEX DEAL WITH IT))isn't human) headed into C-SECTION hq and stole all the docking information, discovering that EAS _Money-Gouger_ came from the Battlefield universe but where it was before that is unknown. However, the dock info did tell that the ship was heading for the Metal Gear Solid universe next.

There was also a VHS tape(BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY) on the desk labelled 'which door leads to the MGS universe'.

"OK, we got what we came for. Now let's go!" Cole declared, about to leave when some evil fuck-bag appeared at the top of some giant pedestal for evil geniuses.

"MR. JOH- I mean... _Ahem_... MR. COLE! I HAVE HUNTED YOU FAR AND WIDE, SEEKING YOUR ASS FOR MY MANIACAL PLANS" the evil villain exclaimed, holding Scootaloo in his left hand.

"Scoots! What do you want? Why do you have Scootaloo?!" Cole demanded.

"AHH BUT I AM THE VILLAIN, SO I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW. COME BACK IN A FEW CHAPTERS AND THEN I'LL TELL YOU. PEACE, NIGGAS!"

"Damn you shitty story-telling! Kirly, let's get back to the Hub and on to the MGS universe!" Colera said as the portal opened, allowing them passage.

"OK!"

* * *

you've heard this shit before: I own nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter Seven(LOL 7)**_  
_**Metal Gear Rectum  
**_

* * *

"War...has changed. It's no longer about killing minorities, pillaging poor nations in the name of 'justice', or seeing who has the bigger cock. It's an endless series of anal rapings of Kojima and absolutely absurd character ideas. Like Colonel Volgin. Or any of the enemy squad characters from any of the MGS games like the Cobras in Snake Eater. Or FOXHOUND in Twin Snakes(LOL terrible remake)" some old dude with a raspy-ass voice said.

"War...has changed" he said again, before the Fallout announcer donkey-punched him and they got in an internet flamewar over war never changing and war changing.

Cole and Kirlia couldn't care less about this really, and instead went behind one of the bombed out adobe houses to sloppily make ou- I MEAN. They went for a scene transition which brought them back to the events of Operation: Snake Eater.

"OK, so the dock info told us that EA was coming here next, now we just need to intercept them before they do whatever it is they're planning to do" Cole said, hefting his Mattock as Kirly followed.

"So how did we watch the tape that told us where to go? There was no TV or VCR in the Hub" Kirlia asked, prompting Cole to smack some random crack-whore in the face. Why not slap Kirlia for asking that question? Because she'd track me down in real life and beat my ass, that's why.

(Please don't hurt me, Kir.)

"Well that was refreshing. Let's move on" Cole declared, shouldering his Mattock and walking forward, Kirlia following right behind. Though she was looking more at his butt than anything else.

"You know, I still wonder why Casey Hudson was found dead at the bottom of a well. And I still have to wonder what PURE UNCUT COCAINE has to do with all this" Kirlia commented, clearing her mind that was clouded with pictures of Cole's muscular body(snrrrk, yeah fucking right).

"I wonder that too, Kir. Hopefully we can start to get some answers here" Cole replied, idly dwelling on his relationship with the girl.

_I've got all these pet names for her. Kirly. Kir... She's so blatantly, obviously in love with me, but... Can it work? Can I overcome my appearance as the hardass hero of the story and love her? It's been so long since I've been with someone else. I feel like James Sunderland right out of Silent Hill 2. I look at her not as another conquest like all those bitches I fucked back in 'Nam, but rather as a woman to be loved. She's got everything I want; tenacity, the will to fight, the will to fire a gun in defense of herself and her allies, and the looks and body to match._

_Regardless of what I feel, now's not the time to think about it. We've got a mission to do._

"Cole...do you love me?" Kirlia suddenly asked.

_Damn it!_

Making sure the area was clear Cole sat down near a tree and set his Mattock down, taking a deep breath before raising his head to look clearly and deeply into the girl's eyes. She curiously watched him as he sat.

"Kirlia..." Cole started, using her full name. "You're something special, and I think I do love you, but...we've got an important mission to handle. Maybe after this is over we can take it somewhere, but there are bigger things than us at work right now. But know this; I do love you, and...I don't know how, but... Somehow, some way... We'll bang, OK?" Cole said, busting out laughing at the end.

"You dick!" Kirlia shouted.

For a good five minutes Cole rolled around on the ground, laughing his Goddamn ass off. Eventually though he calmed down and shakily got to his feet, dusting himself off and grabbing his Mattock. Looking up at Kirlia he saw her standing there impatient and looking righteously fucking pissed off, her natural fear-factor being a woman was like having a skill level of 100 for "Fucking Scary" in Fallout and then getting the "Goddamned Terrifying" bobblehead bumping it up to 110.

"Fine, too much joking for you? How about THIS?!" Cole exclaimed, grabbing her by the shoulders and pushing her roughly against the tree, kissing her deeply on the cheek, acting like he was trying to suck venom out of a snake bite. Anyone walking by would swear to God he was mining for fucking gold in her face.

After a solid 60 seconds with his lips locked on her face Cole pulled back, a few strands of saliva connecting them.

"That a better answer?" Cole asked, hefting his Mattock as he prepared to move out. Kirly stammered and ummed and ahhed before finally regaining her senses.

_I don't know if it'll work, but I'll damn well try_ Cole mused.

For tits.

* * *

In the real world, all the people reading this(including the real Kirlia, probably) promptly vomited all over their desks.

* * *

After about an hour of walking through the jungle aimlessly while smoking crack Cole and Kirlia arrived at what they believed was the place they needed to be; that stupid abandoned factory where Snake rescues Sokolov's dumbass and meets EVA and fucks her in the ass.

"OK, maybe we'll be able to find some leads here" Cole declared as they entered the bombed-out factory, hearing something that sounded like some objects spinning through air. Turning a corner Cole and Kirly were greeted with the sight of Major Ocelot juggling seventeen revolvers while eating an apple and spinning another two revolvers on the spurs of his boots.

"I am Adamska, cunt bags" Ocelot declared, shitting out another three revolvers and juggling them with his ass.

"We're looking for signs of an EA presence here, also our friends Scootaloo and Blackburn" Cole explained, hoping Ocelot knew what the fuck was going on.

"Blackburn? You mean 'He Who Destroys Pussies'? Yes, we know where he is. EA arrived here some time ago, and I will take you to them" Ocelot said, hobbling forward as he continued to juggle all 20 revolvers.

The trip back took longer than the trip there, but eventually the trio reached the place where EA's ship was hovering; the fortress of Groznyj Grad. The massive ship built using all the money taken from unsuspecting sheep buying Premium scams and online passes stood proud like EA was laughing their asses off.

Oh wait, they are.

"He Who Destroys Pussies is in that ship, captured by EA for their nefarious plans. It's up to you two; destroy EA before they finish their master plan" Ocelot told the two partners, handing them the keys to his bitchin' ride; a pimped out HIND helicopter.

Descending the mountain the two lovers entered the impenetrable fortress through the front door, waving to the guards as they passed through. Once they had breached the impervious defences they found Ocelot's chopper and got in, Cole using his absolutely excellent flying knowledge taken from Battlefield 3 to take off and head directly for the EA ship.

The HIND nearly crashed like seven times before Cole got it stabilized.

"Fuck! This is nothing like it is in BF3!"

Turning the HIND left they flew up the EA ship and landed on the top, disembarking and sneaking aboard. Drawing the Snake Match Cole kept the gun pointed forward, crouching low and walking ahead with Kirlia close behind.

Sneaking music played from fucking nowhere as the two went about, reaching a door quick enough which slid open, revealing what appeared to be the brig. Suspecting that Blackburn or Scootaloo could be found in here the two started investigating; looking in the cells, the closets, the maintenance hatches, up random hookers skirts, everywhere.

"Coley! I found Blackburn! He's..." Kirlia announced, trailing off at the end, which made the boss worried. Too worried to worry about what Kirly had called him.

"Oh no, is he dead?"

"No... He's covered in jizz" Kirlia answered, repulsed. Cole walked up and confirmed what Kirly told him; Michael Blackburn, covered...in jizz.

"Oh, that's nasty" Garrus said, suddenly appearing and then disappearing.

"My God, what did EA do to him?" Cole wondered aloud, opening the jail cell just as Blackburn started to wake up. He appeared to have PURE UNCUT COCAINE residue on his face as well.

"Shit, wat the fuck happened to me?" Blackburn asked as he stood up.

"Looks like EA raped you, sorry to say" Kirlia commented, prompting Blackburn to look down at himself.

"Oh, that wasn't EA, that was their hookers forcing me to jizz all over myself during our orgy" Blackburn explained, wiping it off with Kirlia's shirt.

"EWWWW! You fucking freak!" Kir freaked out, not that Cole would notice, as he was too busy trying to make sense of all this while simultaneously fantasizing about hookers making him jizz all over himself.

"Hmm, this doesn't make any sense. Why would EA let you fuck hookers if you're their prisoner?"

"Maybe they wanted me to tell you where you were; their boss man seems very interested in your rectum, Cole" Blackburn answered, bringing up what the evil villain genius said back in the Semen-SECTION HQ.

"OK, so Casey Hudson was found dead. They have Scootaloo. PURE UNCUT COCAINE is important to their plan, and my butt is of some importance. So we have all these pieces, now just to find where they fit" Cole said.

"Maybe they just want your girlfriend" Black told him, whilst eying Kirly. The female could tell he was waiting for the opportune moment to wipe more seminal fluid on her shirt.

"Unlikely. Even Cerberus said it; they're all gay, why would they need a chick?" Col3 asked rhetorically.

"By the way, I heard the guards talking about something while fucking their whores in the ass. They mentioned that MW3's M16A4 was vital to make their plan complete" Blackburn revealed as he started jerking off.

"The MW3 M16? Yes, of course. They took Scootaloo, who is important to me, and now they're taking the MW3 M16. They're taking things to lure me to where they need me for their plan to work... LET'S DO WHAT THEY WANT US TO DO AND GO LOOKING FOR THE M16 IN THE HOPES THAT WE'LL GET IT FIRST BUT WON'T BECAUSE WE NEED TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THE BAD GUYS ARE GONNA WIN UNTIL THE VERY LAST MINUTE."

"SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!" Blackburn exclaimed, Kirlia smacking them both across the face in response to their stupidity.

"You guys are dumbasses, I'm gonna go flick my bean...with a cookie" Kirly said, walking off and out of the brig.

"So what's her story? She your whore or something?" Blackburn asked, getting smacked across the face by Cole.

"Watch your tone, old man. She's my girlfriend possibly I don't know we've kissed each other's cheeks but I'm too much of a pussy to do it on the lips" C0le ranted.

"So bag that bitch, bro!" Black yelled, suddenly wearing jeans four times too big for him that were crumpled around his ankles and wearing a hat backwards because he was a college frat-boy swagfag.

"She's...different, Black. Not like those hookers in 'Nam. She's not a conquest, she's a keeper. I'm just having some problems finding the time to show her how I feel, what with EA up to something strange" the boss explained.

Blackburn, suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation, experienced a random moment of seriousness and said "look, if you really love her, then just tell her. Any way you can, it doesn't matter. Just tell her."

Peeking out the cell down the hall Cole saw Kirly standing in the hall that they came through to get to the brig, leaving Blackburn to clean himself off and jogging down to her, making sure she heard him walking up behind her. Kirlia turned around, almost glowing in the light from the ceiling fan that was in this spaceship for some reason.

Not even giving her enough time to say something Cole grabbing Kirlia by the cheeks as lame-ass romantic comedy music started playing loud. If it were a movie then the camera would pan around them like three times as Cole locked his lips to Kirly's, their tongues duking it out like Sumo wrestlers. Love bloomed all around them in a fashion cheesier than the season 2 finale of MLP. You know the part I'm talking about.

Finally, after what felt like an eter- Fuck it, these romance cliches are dumb. Cole and Kirlia love each other and they slobbered all over each other's faces. The end.

Pulling away from the kiss Cole looked back and saw Blackburn standing down the hall, wearing an eyepatch and acting like the main hero's best friend who cries manly tears at the hero getting the girl.

Stroking a finger on Kir's cheek Colera whispered "I love you" as Black walked up to them, wanting to discuss a plan of action for dealing with EA.

Actually he just wiped more jizz- FUCKING LOL GODDAMNIT THIS IS ABSURD.

"OK, so Black; tell me everything you learned while imprisoned on this ship" Cole requested, stowing his Mattcock on his back and sitting on the floor.

"Well, it started when James shoved 70 pounds of coke up his ass, and Garrus had sex with an Arabian S&M Santa Claus..."

* * *

this chapter may have, in fact, crossed the line. Spec Ops: The Line, that is.

I don't even know what I'm talking about any more. Here, have a free legal disclaimer: I own nothing. Blackburn is EA's bitch.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter Eight**_  
_**Orin**_

* * *

While Cole and Blackburn discussed how Black rode a motorcycle through hell triple-wielding G36's and giving Tali the shocker Kirlia idly investigated nearby portions of the EA ship, keeping her Predator pistol at the ready as she walked about. Though nobody had noticed the presence of intruders yet it never paid to be careless.

The EA ship was strange; first of all, Isaac Clarke was getting fucked in the ass by Carver and rEApers, EA's main fighting force. Kirlia thought it might be symbolism for how Dead Space turned from a survival-horror game to a Resident Evil clone.

Then there was production line literally pumping out Madden title after Madden title, each exactly like the last but with new rosters.

Finally there was the Sims and Battlefield, the last bastion of hope for EA's bullshit. The Sims fared quite well, and Battlefield was taking its raping like a champion. There wasn't really anything to see here, so Kirlia went on her way.

Entering another hallway the bad-ass girl found another one of her gender, which was shocking since it was pretty much the only other girl she had seen in this adventure.

"Hi, want some pizza?" the woman asked, throwing the clipboard she was holding over a railing. Kirlia didn't know what to expect, but she was starving so she guessed she would eat. Calling out to the boys they quickly arrived and trampled Kirly because pizza.

Sitting at a table the group opened the box of pizza and Kirlia took out the first slice, looking it over.

_Those fools! What they don't know is that I injected the tomatoes with a deadly poison! Well, there was really no reason to poison the whole pizza, just as long as they eat the tomato sauce! Then, they shall die, and EA will reign supreme_ the unknown woman thought.

Looking at the only girl in their group the EA assassin watched Kirlia staring at her slice of the pizza, the boys too stupid to eat because the one known as Blackburn was recounting the story of how he murdered an entire orphanage with an M60(true story).

_Eat it..._ the assassin thought as she stared at Kirlia, who was still inspecting the pizza. Kirly looked at Cole and Blackburn, the latter of whom had pulled a G36 out of nowhere and was vigorously jerking off to it. While Cole taped it.

_Eat it eat it eat it eat it..._

Kirlia became bored with inspecting the pizza and balanced it on the tip of her finger, watching it teeter back and forth.

_Eat it. Eaaaat it... Eat it eat it eat it!_

Pulling the layer of cheese off it Kirlia wiped up some of the tomato sauce and inspected it very closely before sniffing it.

_Come on, eat the fucking pizza already!_ The EA assassin was growing impatient.

Throwing the pizza slice on the floor and tipping the table over Kirlia said "the tomato seems off, let's order Popeye's."

"Goddamnit! I knew I should've poisoned the whole pizza!" the EA assassin screamed, prompting the group to get up and level guns at her.

"Poison? What the fuck are you talking about?" Blackburn asked, still jerking off and holding his G36 with one hand.

"If you absolutely must know then I will tell you, because I'm a villain. I am Orin Miyashiro, some Japanese chick. I am tasked with killing you by my boss, because you fools are the only ones who can stop his plans" the assassin explained.

Looking her over Kirlia determined that Orin was 14 years old, and under further, very close scrutiny, was able to find that she was Japanese, with brown hair and white skin. She also had brown eyes, and was wearing a Kimono or some-such Otaku bullshit.

"I am an important figure-head within EA, too" Orin declared.

"Ma'am, I am a member of the FBI; Female Body Inspector" Blackburn casually stated, still jerking off. Orin looked at him with a dead-pan look, almost unbelieving what she had heard.

"Please let me inspect your naked body" Blackburn requested.

"SECURITY!" Orin shouted over her radio, prompting some gay-looking goons(because they were employed by EA) to come through a door on the far side of the room.

"Look! PEOPLE!" Blackburn yelled, sprouting an M60 and opening fire on the EA soldiers, mowing them down while fantasizing about them being starving orphans from a third-world country. Cole wasn't even able to shoot before all the goons were dead and Orin had disappeared.

"Shit, I wonder where she went" Col3 said, admiring Blackburn's handiwork before turning to Kirlia. "You OK?"

"Of course; Blackburn's bullets never hit allies unless they do" Kir replied.

Blackburn paid them no mind as he lovingly reloaded his M60.

"OK, so apparently Orin's some bullshit figurehead within EA. I'm willing to bet a hundred dollars she's from Valkyria Chronicles. I'll have to ask Kirlia in reality for confirmation" Cole stated.

"Lul fucking weeaboo otaku faggot bullshit" Blackburn commented.

* * *

don't sue me: I own nothing. Blackburn once had a dream of dropping napalm on a Chinese orphanage.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine  
****Master Plan**

* * *

"I have seen some shit in my time; Captain Price with an aimbot gold Intervention, Blackburn giving Tali the Shocker while quick-scoping with iron sights(because logic), and Kirlia filming Garrus giving Master Shake a handjob, but I think EA's machinations are the weirdest" Cole lamented to himself, looking out a window.

"Cole...?" Kirlia said, joining him at his side. The two looked at each other before the girl put her shoulder on the bo$$'s shoulder. Deep inside the EA ship they had only each other to rely upon.

Oh, and Blackburn too, I suppose.

"I hope Scootaloo is still alive. I wonder what she has to do with their plan as a whole. Furthermore, just what IS their plan?" Cole wondered.

"I don't know" Kirlia flatly replied.

Just then Blackburn returned from his mission; he had been tasked with searching the armories of EA's various franchises to get weapons and equipment. Carrying 700 guns in just his arms he dumped them all on the floor, revealing he was also dragging hooker corpses along via strings of silly putty.

"This is what you got? Good, we're gonna need it all" Cole said, selecting ammo for the Mattock he was still carrying in addition to a Glock 18 from Battlefield 3, as it was his favorite 9mm pistol(but only on single-shot) alongside the MP443-Rule34.

Blackburn took his G36 and M60, in addition to a Geth plasma gatling gun thing whatever the hell it was called.

And finally, Kirlia took a Viper sniper rifle and BF3's Glock 18, because F4GG0T R3CONZ LOL.

"Alright everyone, this is it. It's time to go on an epic rampage through EA's ship, raping them all in the ass before blowing this shit up. Then me and Kirlia will bang OK, and Blackburn can kidnap Tali. Everyone wins!" Cole shouted, heading through the door that Orin went through and finding Cerberus troops waiting for them, getting each other's dicks out of their mouths and scrambling for their guns.

"LOOK ORPHANS!1!" Blackburn screamed, mowing 'em down with The Pig. Woodland paint grew on the M60 like a tumor, and Blackburn wrote BACK IN 'NAM in jizz on the stock. 7.62 rounds smashed through Cerberus power armor and Black beat the survivors to death with a tire iron.

"Kir, get the snipers!" Cole yelled, his Mattock thundering like a drum. Kir did a JUDO FLIP and quickscoped the Cerberus sharpshooters on the neighboring catwalks, doing 360's to dodge their shots and moving through the battlefield like a ballet dancer. A beautiful ballet dancer of death with a sniper rifle.

"CHEESE GRATER!" Blackburn bellowed, pulling the object from his belt. Taped to it were seven KA-BAR combat knifes with the semen of Jerry Sandusky on the blades. The Cerberus troops screamed and cried like bitches as Blackburn fisted their assholes with the cheese grater, taking pictures to send to his girlfriend and to fap to later.

A Cerberus soldier jumped Blackburn and he ripped his helmet off, clobbering him with the cheese grater and fisting him with the M60's barrel.

Cole vaulted over a crate and took the lead, dual-wielding the G18 and MP443 Crotch. Cerberus were no match for the l33t-ness of the G18, and the Crotch was just there for fun. When the magazine in the Crotch emptied Col3 dropped the gun and pulled his M1911, the mighty weapon BOOMING in the chamber. EA soldiers dropped like dead bodies at the inexorable onslaught.

Taking an alternate path Kirlia vaulted to a catwalk below, subjecting Cerberus troops to 720 trickshots from the Viper and overloading their brains with millions of random anime things. One soldier screamed "OH GOD I CAN'T TAKE THE OTAKU BULLSHIT!1!" and ripped his balls off, stuffing them down his throat and choking to death on them.

Reloading the Viper Kirlia saw a true sight of horrors; a Cerberus soldier aiming his gun at Cole. Doing the only thing she could Kir jumped for the railing, leaping into the air and landing on the catwalk, sawing the soldier's throat open with a rusty prison shiv and taking his dogtags, which read "DEDICATED: I TOOK IT UP THE ASS 400 TIMES".

Reaching the end of the chamber the trio rallied up and proceeded through another door, finding a prison where they tested on Pedobears and Geth with tentacle dildos. Blackburn began foaming at the mouth at the thought of Tali with a Geth sex bot and he took off, spraying the halls with his G36. Cerberus desperately tried to hold him off, to no avail.

In the mass chaos Black blasted the control panel for the Pedobears' test chambers, releasing the horny beasts that had been tied up for over a week without fresh underaged girls to rape. Cerberus troops went down under crowds of brown fur and flopping cocks, and the heroic trio had a new enemy to fend off.

"'NAAAAAAAAAMMM!" Blackburn screamed, firing into the crowds.

* * *

In the master chamber Orin, the EA assassin, briskly walked over to her assistant, who was standing around near a door doing exactly nothing. There was a death battle of doom going on outside, and it sounded like EA was losing.

"Everyone always said I was easily distracted, even Orin... When was that... When's the new episode of Gundam on anyway?" Orin's assistant whispered to herself, lost in thoughts about Gundams and Metal Gears anally fisting one another.

"OSAKA!" Orin yelled, snapping her assistant from her trance.

"What?! I didn't do it. Leave me alone!" Osaka declared rather defensively.

"What are-? Whatever. Look, some fucking psychos are attacking us! I failed to sufficiently poison their pizza and now they're pissed! Get out there and deal with them and the Pedobears!" Orin ordered, pointing to the door.

"Uh, OK" Osaka replied, heading for the control panel.

"And no sex!"

"I wasn't going to! God!" Osaka indignantly announced, opening the doors to find a crazed psychopath hunched over in the hall with his back to her, jerking off vigorously to a dead body.

"Uumm..." Osaka commented, reaching for her kitchen knife. The...person, thing, must've heard her as he slowly turned his head around 180 degrees to look at her, his eyes glowing red and a leer on his face.

"Semen..."

"Uh, wait! I have a hot girlfriend! Take her instead!" Osaka shouted, her words falling on deaf ears as Blackburn pounced on her, preparing to fist her with the cheese grater. Before he could however more Cerberus soldiers arrived, engaging the lunatic. Pulling out baseball bat-sized replicas of the Twin Towers Blackburn began beating the Cerberus soldiers to death, sticking C4 up their asses where he could and detonating the corpses. His companions soon arrived, and together they quickly mopped up the EA resistance.

"Now hold it right there you two" Cole said, pointing his 1911 at Orin and Osaka. Kirlia sealed the doors and reloaded her Viper while Blackburn downloaded concept art pictures of Tali from a nearby terminal.

"You look important. What is EA's plan?!" Cole demanded. Before they could answer the giant $ sign in the room opened, revealing EA's ruler standing next to Scootaloo, who was locked up in a glass case.

"YOU!" Cole shouted, training his gun on EA's master. He stood over them all on the stage, tapping his fingers together.

"Ah, you're just in time to see me unveil my newest raping. But before I show you that, I'll humor you. What do you want?" the EA president asked.

"You kidnapped Scootaloo, the MW3 M16, AND my PURE UNCUT COCAINE and DIRTY HEROIN NEEDLES! I want them all back!" Cole exclaimed.

"Dude why do you like that piece of shit M16 so much?" Blackburn said.

"You straight dumbasses! You can't have any of them back! I need them all for the device I'm having Osaka make!" the EA ruler declared.

"What fucking device?" Orin chimed in.

"I have a hunch; if I get rid of all this white powder-"

"PURE UNCUT COCAINE!"

"-that they all want so badly they'll go back to normal, like everyone from my universe" Osaka finished.

"You come from the most batshit anime I know of" Orin responded.

"I didn't define normal. Besides, have you SEEN the things Blackburn makes in Minecraft?" Osaka pulled out the photos of full-size Twin Towers with planes flying into them and black guy stick figures getting lynched. There were even some pictures from that Minecraft clone Castleminer with a bunch of Swastikas.

"Wow...That's... That's some pretty sick shit" Orin commented.

"Exactly! Which is why they need to be cured!" Osaka said.

"Why do you care? You don't even know them. Why does it bother you?"

"Because it's something to do, damn it! You yanked me from my universe, away from my friends and family, and stuck me here to experiment on semen and horndog animals and Reapers and that sex-crazed psychopath Commander Shepard and I want to go home Goddamnit!" Osaka ranted.

"Enough! It's time to end this!" Cole shouted

"Haha! LOL! Fuck you bitch!" the EA overlord exclaimed, retreating back behind his chamber with Scootaloo. The door to the room began to get smashed in by Pedobear dick, and Cole's team made a break for it.

"You fucking assholes!" Orin yelled after them.

The door was smashed down and the Pedobears rushed in, Osaka pulling out her giant kitchen knife and smiling sweetly.

* * *

Lawyer-ness: I own nothing. I don't even own myself. Someone else owns me now. I'm someone's bitch.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**  
**New Model Rape**

* * *

"So wait, what was EA's newest raping?" Cole asked, standing around in a big ass open field. It looked real, but the lens flare was raping his eyeballs.

"Huh, this looks like a map from Battlefield 4's Chink Rising" Blackburn replied, smoking a cigar.

"Hmm, looks like we'll have to-

_**BATTLEFIELD 4 HAS STOPPED WORKING.**_

* * *

"Of fucking course. This game fucking sucks, dude" Cole declared, rejoining the universe.

"But but but but...Battlefield..." Blackburn protested; really his only defense against Battlefield 4's shittiness.

"I can't wait for more fucking bullshit fail glitches" Col2 said.

"Wait what'd you say? The sound glitched out" Blackburn stated.

"Of fucking course it did. Let's fucking go." The trio set out, careful to watch out for holes in the map since they were definitely around.

"You know this game is good right? I mean it's Battlefield. It's better by default" Blackburn piped up.

"If it's so much better why doesn't it work?" C0l3 inquired.

Blackburn's head exploded trying to figure it out.

"Fucking EA. I mean, it's DICE's fault too, but EA is the biggest culprit. They must be brought to justice! For cocaine!" the BoSS stated. "They've completely raped Madden, Mass Effect, Battlefield, and all they have left is The Sims. We must stop them."

"I want to know why they're doing it is all" Kirlia commented.

"Because money" Blackburn answered.

_**BATTLEFIELD 4 HAS STOPPED WORKING.**_

"God fucking damn it..."

* * *

After several hours of fighting the crashing, sound glitches, and losing track of one another since they couldn't squad up the Trio of Crack reached the end of the Battlefield 4 universe, exiting back into EA's ship. Pedobears were still on a rampage, but they hadn't reached the part of the ship they were in.

Growing an eyepatch and cigar Blackburn sat down and strok- I mean, cleaned his M60 while Cole and Kirly talked somewhere private bow chicka bow wow.

"This will all be over soon, and you and I will be able to live a normal life. Blackburn will live in his fantasy world, and Scootaloo will be sent back to Ponyville" Kirlia said.

"Hey Kirly, I gotta say something to you; sometimes when you're around my pants extend and I start to feel nervous. I almost never get nervous. Do you think I need to take some anxiety pills when that happens?" Cole asked cluelessly.

"Are you joking?" Kirlia asked, folding her arms over her chest.

"No. It really doesn't make any sense to me. I don't even get nervous when fighting Cerberus or rapists. Hell not even Blackburn makes me nervous" Col23 explained, the cheese grater-wielding creep slowly peeking around the corner, whispering "...'nam..."

"Heh. I think you do need to take some medicine, but only a special kind I can provide. I'll show you after this is all over" Kir responded.

"Great. I hate medicine" the B|_|SS muttered, turning and walking away.

"You won't hate my medicine..." Kir said to herself, following the hero. It was time to get moving again.

"Hey Black, it's-"

"HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU!" Blackburn yelled, fucking the Fleshlight taped to his M60 while meowing like a cat.

"Yeah, that's perfectly acceptable" Cole commented.

* * *

_**-EXPAND DONG-**_

* * *

"What vibrant colors... How are such shades natural?" Osaka wondered to herself as she observed Scootaloo in the glass tank. The little filly had given up trying to escape and was simply sitting on the bed provided to her, bored out of her mind.

Just then the door opened and in stepped EA's commander, carrying a basket of flavored and unflavored sex lube and dozens of sex toys. "What are you doing in here?" the EA commander asked.

"I left my book on atomic fusion in here" Osaka answered.

"I'm gonna fusion YOUR ASS with MA DIK if you don't get out of here!" EA's ruler yelled, ushering the young girl out whilst slapping her ass.

"Now where's my goddamn key and the riding crop?!"

* * *

_**-BLACKBURN HAS EIGHT PENISES-**_

* * *

After a vicious round of humping in a closet where millions of copies of Madden games were stored Cole and Kirlia were ready to go. And Blackburn was wearing the M60 over his dick while dual-wielding a G36 and a Desert Eagle.

"Alright, it's time to actually destroy EA once and for all! Let's go!" Coke yelled, charging forward. The trio blasted their way through the ship, raping Cerberus soldiers, avoiding the rapings of Pedobears, and dodging BATTLEFIELD 4 HAS STOPPED WORKING signs, eventually arriving in the private chamber of the EA commander.

"Stop, bitch!" Cole shouted, aiming his gun. The commander was caught red-handed, and didn't even bother to get dressed. "Scootaloo's going home, and I'm taking back the PURE UNCUT COCAINE!"

"Hmph! I can't believe you idiots survived Battlefail 4. Oh well, the time has almost come! My newest raping is almost complete and ready to be released to the world for all the idiots to spend $110 dollars on and for the brainless fanboys to defend! BEHOLD: STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT 3!1" the EA commander bellowed, revealing the game.

"You MONSTER! I should've known you'd want to fuck over Battlefront! But what I don't understand is what this has to do with PURE UNCUT COCAINE, the MW3 M16, Scootaloo, and us!" Cole stated.

"It's all very simple, really. Even Activision's retarded asses could've come up with it!" the EA ruler declared, sparking a flame war on the internet. "The plan to produce Battlefront 3 was divided into a number of phases, each dependent on one another. By taking your PURE UNCUT COCAINE, we acquired the means to nourish our zombified development team and deprived Blackburn of his supplements, draining his power! Then, by taking the MW3 M16 I had the ability to remold it into an entirely new gun that would be provided with the Battlefront 3 Premium pack. The pack would be intentionally glitched, thus denying people who bought it the weapon. By taking the MW16 I denied you your most powerful weapon, and made you weaker! So with my two biggest enemies defeated, there was no one to stop me from destroying Battlefront and making billions of dollars off the masses!" the EA overlord exclaimed.

"What about Scootaloo, though?! Where does she fit in? And why was Casey Hudson dead at the bottom of a well?!" CoK3 inquired.

"Scootaloo's just my newest fuck slave. Osaka's genetically engineered Pedobears were getting too boring for me, so I needed someone new! Scootaloo's the perfect slave! And Casey was eliminated because he was opposed to my new ideas! He was already mad at us for fucking over Mass Effect 3's ending, and the Battlefront 3 scam was enough to push him over the edge! I stopped him before he could stop us, though!" the EA god answered.

"Huh, I guess Casey wasn't all that bad" Blackburn commented, jerking off on Hudson's skeleton.

"But enough of that! ON GUARD, COCKSUCKERS!" the EA commander screamed, pulling out a Pancor Jackhammer.

"Oh you motherfucker..." Blackburn declared, preparing to rape the EA commander.

* * *

**Legality nonsense: I own nothing.**


End file.
